I have just been going bonkers because i am so busy. I have my own business that i work out of my home, and i have clients lining up and calling. I really shouldn’t be writing now, but i think writing helps with stress. I have a few articles about tithing that are lined up ready to post, but i havn’t had the time to really sit down and finalize them. I could write them here and now, but i just feel like writing about miscellaneous stuff to unstrap the stress off my back.
So anyways, i think i just feel like ranting on about time, maybe stewardship of our time. I don’t know maybe i’ll rabbit trail into something else. So yeah, i’ve been busy. there’s no time. i am broke. And i am stressed. I feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually burnt. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good that i’m busy with my business, but my business is new, so it’s not like the money is great yet. Last sunday i didn’t give any money to the rest of the church. That’s the first time i’ve done that for a long time. I don’t know. I know i’m really broke, and i know that i have lots of bills coming up. One thing to note, my wife’s pregnant with our first, so that adds to the stress. And then the maternity clothes, the baby stuff, my wife’s income will drop are all adding to the stress.
Just to let you know, i don’t have cable, i don’t have a play station, or wii, or xbox. i don’t have a 42″ plasma flat screen TV. I have one small non-name brand TV that makes a high pitched noise sometimes. I’ve got a 01′ truck without power windows, without power locks, and without leather seats. My wife has a 97′ camry that is dented up, has parts falling off, has different car parts from different cars ( kind of like a Frankenstein car). Amazingly under the hood the camry is better than a rolls royce. Side note: i would recommend a camry to anyone. I live in a 1000 square foot house with a fence around that is broken down and laying in my yard. My grass is brown because i do not have the money to spend to water it.
i guess these are things on my mind at the moment. i guess what you are suppose to do is give them to christ, but it’s not like i just put them in a box, put a UPS sticker on it, and ship it to the pearly gates. I have to admit, my communication with God and in his word has dwindled lately. I guess its been the business. i guess it’s been the busyness.
I was talking with someone the other day. I don’t understand how retired people do nothing all day. that would drive me crazy. maybe its the ADD generation that we live in but i can’t imagine me living the way some retired people do. When i did tiling in a retired couples home one time, i saw that their house was spotless, and immaculate, but there was Mrs. Retiree, dusting away as if there was anything there. I guess later on she had a friend over and they played bridge, but that just looked torturous as well. Mr. Retiree, well, i don’t know where he was or what he was doing but he was in his garage, which was immaculate as well. What is retirement? i would define it as death if there wasn’t such a thing as the end of a heartbeat.
I guess another thing recently on my mind is my wife’s grandfather just passed away on thursday. He was a pearl harbor survivor. He was a tough old guy but had some soft spots.
At this moment I don’t think i know what it means to give your life to Chirst. I’m sure there are those that are astounded at that statement? but i mean when there are new challenges in life, how do you give them to Christ? How would you handle if your spouse or child died? I’m sure you would take the news right away, and just be ok, and in control because that’s in christ’s hands? There are so many new things that jump out at us all the time, and each time, we’ve gotta go through the same process of finding peace, and comfort, and strength in God again. Each new challenge is like a new path that we have never taken before. Granted, my worries mentioned above are not big, by any means, it’s just that the challenge is new, and it is unknown.
I just keep walking down this path, hoping that i will meet God somewhere along the way. I know that i am off course so many times, but there are times that i’ve been off course and i was just wishing that i was on course. i wish God was right there. Someone i could touch. Someone i could just see. Call me a doubting Thomas if you will, but sometimes my flesh wants to feel the tangible. Sure the sun, the moon, nature, the stars are all tangible things of God, but that’s not what i mean. I’m talking about seeing God create the intangible. It’s not enough to just see these things, but i want to see them created. I want to see how God manipulates things with his power. I want to see how he’s moving in my life. I want to see what he’s got prepared for me. I want to see what he’s done, and how he’s done things just for me.
I guess that’s why you call it faith. Faith is probably the most energy draining exercise that mankind performs on his own. Maybe its the only thing that mankind performs without God. I’ve heard the bible say that god is our strength, our refuge, our food, our life, our energy, our foundation, our hope. But i don’t think i’ve ever heard that God is our faith. Maybe this is the only journey that we’ve ever had to carry on our own. I don’t know, i havn’t researched the bible or anything to find out if God says he’s our faith, but right now this seems like the only thing that God has left in our hands.
Of all the things that God left us with to manage it had to be faith. Faith is made up of the things that we can’t see, what we can’t touch, what we can’t hear, smell, or taste. We can’t practice faith with any of our 5 senses, but yet God has left this daunting task in the hands of mortals. I guess God has faith in us.
Maybe that’s the key. I see myself as nothing, hopeless, mindless, clueless, and helpless, but God has faith in us regardless. He showed that he does many, many times. Maybe this is where my faith comes from. If God can invest faith in someone who is unholy, then i can invest my faith in the holy.