Twas the Pimp before Christmas

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‘Twas the pimp before Christmas, when all through God’s house

Not a sheep was stirring, not even a mouse;

The wallets were hung by the pulpit with care,

In hopes that St. Pimp soon would be there;

The sheep were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of prosperity danced in their heads;

And mama in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a private jet, and eight tiny pimp-deer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Pimp.

More cunning than vipers his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, White! now, Dollar! now, Long and Hinn!

On, Copeland! on Crouch! on, Jakes and Prince!

To the top of the Steeple! to the top of the wall!

Now pimp away! pimp away! pimp away all!”

As dry leaves that before the hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the coffers full of wealth, and St. Pimp too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The pimping and prancing of each pimps hoof.

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,

Down the church aisle St. Pimp came with a bound.

He was dressed all in Armani, from his head to his shoe,

And his clothes were all garnished with diamonds too;

A bundle of cash he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a pimp just opening his pack.

His eyes — how they twinkled! his cufflings how merry!

His Bentley were like roses, his mansion like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the diamonds on his cuff were as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

As his ego encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, as he pimped like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know this is something to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And pimped all the people; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his pimp-deer gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

“Happy Pimping to all, and to all a good-night.”

Jared Bartholomew is the author of www.tithing.com. There are over 300 articles written on research and reviews about tithing information.

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5 comments on “Twas the Pimp before Christmas
  1. Holly says:

    I just found your blog and read some of your comments on tithing and I am one of those who have tithed all my adult life and gave as the Lord led. We do know God is big on giving hence His SON!But, Tell me why people have to judge others (ministries)? I have been a suppoter of one of those mentioned for 25 years and know one has forced me to give or guilted me in giving ever, I was led by the Spirit. Through that ministry I learned so much from the Word and how important it is in my life and my families life. Pointing, and judging these ministries is like telling God His servents are pimps? Even if there is sin is it our right to speak about Gods servents and yes our brothers and sisters in the Lord wethere they are right or wrong? Why do we devour oneanother? If they are wrong I believe putting them in His hands is far better. Shouldn’t we bless not curse?

  2. Holly,
    i’ve never heard of a single day on TBN where they did not ask for money. I’m just talking about one day! How about can they go 4 hours without an infomercial, or pimpathon? How about on Christmas did they take a break on that day? Knowing them, they probably exploited that occasion to ask for more.

    I could understand if some of those televangelists were not getting rich off of the word of God, but they are. I could even understand if some of those televangelists were not in a relationship with TBN, but they are. For that fact alone, they are wolves in sheep’s clothing. Say i’m judging. I don’t care. It is scripturally our duty to expose wolves.

    Elders have a right to live from the gospel. I know it is a gospel of rewards, but it is also a gospel of sacrifice, as you noted – God’s sacrificed his Son. The world sees God’s sacrifice and they see their sacrifice, and they wonder if we are serving the God that they read about, because we don’t act like him.

    You know the greatest thing about Jesus Christ? You know the greatest thing about Paul? is that they both gave up their rights for the sake of the gospel.

    I could understand if televangelists made millions in one year, and then never asked for another penny. But they have the audacity to not only to continue to charge for the privilege of speaking the gospel, but they have the audacity to ask for donations.

    You know what God calls people who eat food the way the televangelists take on money? God calls them gluttons. They are full, and yet they eat more and more. They are nothing but gluttonous fat pigs. Do you want me to use a term that Jesus used? How about a nice term such as vipers, fools, and wolves?

    These people might be doing some of the work of God. But wolves in sheep clothing act like sheep, look like sheep, but they rob sheep.

    – jared

  3. Jackie says:

    Holly, I hear you loud and clear, and for many, many, many years have carried that same attitude, thinking I was doing the right thing by not saying anything when I saw people who couldn’t afford constantly giving and going further and further into debt. And, yes there are churches who continue to pump money from the members, they spend alot of time thinking of ways to get more, even by 1st giving a hundred dollars and then taking it back. I know first hand that this is done. I was ask to be a board member and when I found out what was expected of me to support I had to decline, and it was mainly focused on getting money.

    Jared, I take my hat off to you. It’s not for everybody to speak up, but it is for somebody and you are doing a fine job. You inform and you speak out against the evil as you see it. My prayers are with you. Just don’t forget that TBN is supported by it’s viewers, just like public radio and tv. They broadcast in many different countries, the cost has to be tremendous. But, they love the Lord and want to spread the Gospel. Remember God can and does use many different types of people using their gifts to broaden the Kingdom of God. I could say more, but, I’ll save some for later.

  4. freewillgiver says:

    The last shall be first and the first shall be last. Are our current leaders the last. My brother just went into a mental institution and my friend visited me to encurage me. He laid his life down teaching me to visit those who are in need. A true pastor is a great person who will not eat the sheep like most. Hirerlings have good jobs. a true missionary has a job that most would not want. This is the problem with most TV preachers alot of folks would want that job. The Job of Job, Peter, Paul or ST. Nicholas most folks would not want. The real ST nick gave his money away and suffered persicution for Jesus. The last shall be first. Praise Jesus in 2011!

    I love yall Happy new year. Jackie Joel and all the faithfull who oversee this electronic fellowship in Jesus praise God for your suffering! I have been dicipled by all those who agree with me that tithes are not for the Church and those who disagree with my tone somtimes. Stewards you have dicipled me on what Bible reading and deeper fellowship means thank you so much. This study is not just about money. It is about Jesus and being the last.

  5. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQ6-nxfu7yM&list=UU7etASRsX-lzddMV7Xx4Ujw&index=31&feature=plcp

    Even when I was a baby Christian I wondered why the NT apostles NEVER reminded anybody to “pay their tithes”. Read my book for free
    http://www.scribd.com/doc/4617708/Fasting-Tithing-Blessing-Bringers-or-Burdens

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